Marc Cellucci
You wouldn’t know it from some of the content on this site, but I am not one to dwell on the past, especially when it comes to technology. (Music, on the other hand…) While brief hits of nostalgia have their place, the fact is that most things are better now than they were back in the day.
That said, after recently getting rejected by Apple for the umpteenth time — and for the umpteenth stupid reason — I started yearning for the simpler days of the App Store, before it became a hyper-monetized, KPI-driven monster. When a man could make an app about drinking beer and everybody was fine with it.
In this article, I’d like to go back to the golden age, and review some of the silly apps I’ve made in the past — apps that most certainly wouldn’t be approved in this day and age.
Bouncing Girl
The very first Unity project I worked on was a fun concept from the great planning NYARO. The accelerometer was all the rage at the time, and in this game, you would move the device up and down in order to have a cheerleader bounce on a trampoline. What’s not to love?
With good timing, you could bounce her really high. I mean really high, as in you could eventually leave the atmosphere and go to space. It gets tricky to land back on the trampoline when you get high enough, which is the core challenge of the game. But don’t take my word for it, check out this video to see it in action. (And yes, that is my voice in the game. I’m cheap labor.)
Auto Copy Writer
Are YOU looking for a new catchphrase? A slogan? A complete marketing campaign? Then Auto Copy Writer is for you!
This app was another planning NYARO joint, and one of my favorites from the time. It’s a catchphrase generator that pulls from over 1,000 words and 120 grammar patterns (both in English and Japanese), and puts them on the screen with random backgrounds reminiscent of those cheesy motivational posters. It would come up with some truly funny stuff, the screenshots here being just a couple of samples.
THE PIG
There’s a really popular franchise in Japan called THE DOG that features pictures of puppies looking into a fisheye lens. They naturally expanded it to cats, and then to pigs, which brings us to this app. The gimmick was that you could actually “touch” the pigs, meaning we put a wobbly effect on the pigs’ noses, so if you swiped them and let go, they would boioioing back into place.
I know what you are thinking, and yes, the client’s next goal was to release a version with pictures of women. As you can guess, that one never made it.
iElectric Fan
Along with touchscreen gimmicks and accelerometer gimmicks, stupid microphone tricks were a thing, too. iElectric Fan simulated the effect of talking into a spinning fan. That was it. Well, you could record and send recordings as well, but yeah, that was basically it.
My Announcer
Here’s another simple idea that would never get past Apple’s checks today. The concept is that you have a sports announcer in your pocket, and you can have it say catchphrases at opportune times. Be the life of the party! The voice is once again provided by me, because there’s no better voice actor than a free one.
Initial D Paper Cup Challenge
This is an interesting one, based on a popular car racing manga. Apparently there’s a thing in the manga where drivers put a paper cup full of water on their dashboard, and try to drive smoothly so that it doesn’t spill. We recreated this with the power of the accelerometer, and it actually works — if you make sudden turns, water will spill out of the cup.
My Mask
An iPad exclusive! Choose an image, put the iPad up to your face, talk, and the mouth moves. You’ve transmogrified! Definitely wouldn’t pass Apple’s draconian checks today.
Hadoken Fighter
If you’ve played Street Fighter II, you know that characters like Ryu and Ken have deep movesets, full of all kinds of attacks that you can’t pronounce. Well, imagine stripping away the dragon punch, the spinning kick… hell, even the kick and the punch (it’s all in the mind). What you are left with is a game called Hadoken Fighter, which is exactly what it sounds like — a game where you throw hadokens at each other. I’d like to go on record as saying this game wasn’t my idea, my team just built it.
Prescription for Sleep
This one’s not silly, but I’ll put it here anyway. Norihiko Hibino (of Metal Gear Solid fame) was delving into music therapy, and wanted to make an app that would help people fall asleep. The music was created with a lot of research behind it, and it wasn’t made to bore you to sleep with droning and whatnot, but to guide you to sleep. It was fun to make, but I didn’t think it would sell much at all…
… then the free version shot to #1 in the Japanese App Store. Shows what I know.
For some, the app actually worked. We had reviews where people would say that the app was really helping them, which was great. I remember plying a tester with coffee, as she would get drowsy while testing it.
Would it pass Apple today? I doubt it. I mean, just look at that screenshot! It was simply a music player with visuals, so I’m sure it would get Apple’s typical “minimum functionality” rejection.
Shaking My Cane
I look at the App Store now, and I see a fully matured product, filled with high-quality apps made by large companies in a very professional manner. And I hate it.
It’s like when your favorite neighborhood in a city gets overrun by Starbucks and Panera Bread. All the flavor is gone. Bring back the jank, I say! It may not always be pretty, but is sure is fun.
